This presupposition of NLP tells you about something that you might have not noticed yet. The meaning of your communication is not what you say but actually the response that you get from others. I am sure that you have gone through the situation when you say something and others understand something else and then you say I am sorry I didn’t mean that. There is nothing wrong with others understanding but the words that you chose to deliver. That happens when selection of your words doesn’t match your intentions.
Let’s take an example here if you are a parent of child and ask him/her to clean the room and he/she doesn’t do it,, what would you do in order to get it done? Hope you will not just shout on him/her but and ask him what made him skip this. May be he was doing homework or maybe you were not specific that you want him to do it right away. Probably you must change your approach towards more specific like you want him to clean his room in an hour or finish your homework quickly then clean your room in next 2 hours.
Let’s take another example here, maybe you’re a manager or you have a team to manage. Suppose one of your team members is performing as per the potential that you want him/her to display and you ask that member to improve. Yes, of course he/she will improve since you’re a boss but wait a minute! Did you mention how much do you want him/her to improve? What will happen if he/she has different limits and understanding of improvement than yours, it can bring misunderstanding between you and your team member because after some time you will feel that he/she is not fulfilling your expectations.
If we talk about personal relationships, the most common reason of misunderstanding in relationships are the expectations which occurs due to unclear or lack of communication. If your partner asks you to talk to him/her when you are out the whole day at work and you do so but still your partner is not happy with you on this then maybe for you it’s enough to talk once in a day when you’re out and he/she is expecting call him/her thrice a day or maybe your partner would like to be connected more. My concern is not the reason behind but the communication that you need have to be more specific about the expectations.
You can start practicing this presupposition from now onward, if you ask someone to do something or if you are communicating with someone and you feel that its not working, choose your words wisely in order to make others understand the exact same thing you want them to understand. You will find yourself becoming a good communicator by time.
NLP Presuppostions – ( 4 ) Everyone makes the best choice available to them at the time they make it
We always treat NLP Presuppositions as if they were true so that we can change our perspective to find more positive and effective options available to us at a time and this presupposition of NLP is the best example of it. Before your mind gives you counter examples of this presupposition, I would like to take you through the brief of it.
I want you to remember the last time when you bought new clothes or mobile or some daily household items, recall the feeling when you chose that item to buy. I am pretty much sure that you can feel how confident you were with your choice that time. Now, just think how it feels when you meet someone after your shopping and he/she says you could find better than that or he/she doesn’t like that item. Because they think that you could find better than this and they don’t know that it was the best available option for you to choose at that time whether it is in terms of taste, color, shape or size and price etc. you must remember that you made the best choice available to you at and others also do so.
Let’s understand this presupposition in another way suppose you are an employee in an organization and your boss gives you a target to achieve which is not practically possible to you, that doesn’t mean that your boss doesn’t know about it. If you change your perspective like flipping a coin to look at the other side of it, then you will be able to understand the real intention behind it. It could be that he wants you to put your maximum efforts in it or he wants you to realize that you can really do it or it could be that he wants to check the potential of his employees by doing so. That’s why NLP says people make the best choice available to them at the time they make it.
Spend your next two days keeping this presupposition in your mind and I can bet that you’ll find an amazing change and improvement in your perspective that you’ll never want to lose.
In this presupposition of NLP you are about to learn how your belief system works. Your belief and thinking is your map and the world around you is the territory. To make it more clearly to you I would like to share an example here, if I ask you to imagine a flower of rose, there are possibilities of different types of roses you have just imagined, it could be red, white or pink. If you ask someone else to imagine the same you might get a completely different answer. It could be a bigger rose than yours or a rose with thorns and that’s because all have different maps.
Let’s understand how a mind creates the map. It starts from the very first day when a child takes place on earth, when a new born baby cries and mother feeds the baby, the brain of that little baby starts adopting and for that baby who can’t speak and understand any language but knows how to cry for feeding. I am sure you will be able to relate it to yourself if I say that every one of us has pretended to be crying or sick for something that we wanted when we were child, right? Because we knew it that time how it is going to work. The programming of our map depends on several things like childhood, family, neighborhood, culture and religion etc.
If you want to create a better map, you have to start thinking and believing with new patterns. You will find your old map vanishing by time and new map will start showing up. New map will be more compatible to the world around you and it will make you a happy, creative and a person strong enough to face the challenges of your life. Every time, when you change your map you will find it better than the last one and you can change the maps until you find the best compatible to you.
There is no failure, only feedback
After reading the title you might be thinking “definitely there is failure”. Well yes, according to NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) it exists only if you choose to look at it that way. This is a constructive feeling which is made by our own mind. You can choose to look at the results either as a feedback or a failure.
When you decide to try out something new or take new actions and you don’t get the expected results, you may choose to be negative or consider learning out of the experience. If you choose to think that you failed, ask yourself for a moment what feeling would you get next time before trying out something new? It is better to think of a new action and take result as an experience or a feedback.
Lets understand this in an another way. I want you to pick an activity what you are used to do now; it could be driving, typing on laptop or mobile and cooking etc. Now, I would like you to recall the memory when you tried it for the first time and the mistakes that you made in the beginning. Why are you good in it now? Because you chose to learn it anyway and you took the results as feedback and you improved yourself by learning from your mistakes.
If may have a team and your team member is not performing well and if you consider their performance to be a failure may lead to hindrance in improvement. Hence this presupposition of NLP recommends believing in feedback and not failure.
So, failure is nothing but a constructed feeling which holds you back from improving and limits you. The only way to know your limits is to try them. Start taking your results as a feedback and success will be the only outcome you will get.
In my last blog I introduced presuppositions of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). Today, you will learn the first presupposition which is very important to remember at every single step of your daily life.
There is always a positive intention behind every behavior. Whether the action is good or bad, a person’s behavior has always a positive intention. If you find a person behaving the way you don’t want him/her to behave, or you don’t understand the behavior, doesn’t mean that he/she has a negative intention behind that behavior. Suppose, you ask someone to borrow you some money for a couple of days and the person denies, it is definitely a negative answer for you but there will definitely be a positive intention for that person to say no to you. May be he/she does not want to take the risk or he/she does not have enough money to support you. Whatever the reason is however the intention is always positive.
Let’s see another example to understand this presupposition; if you are a manager or manage a team and your team member is not performing well maybe that’s because he is under learning or he is more focused on the perfection and does not want to disappoint. If you look into the real reasons of underperformance then you will have better ways to improve his performance and your management style instead of getting disappointed and bringing conflict in your working relationships with your team.
So everyone always has positive intention behind every behavior. No one purposefully behave with a negative intention. If you discover the real intention behind any behavior or action you will find a way for healthier and more effective alternatives to lead a positive and happy life.
This presupposition of NLP is not meant to condone sinful acts or heinous crimes committed by evil people.